Somewhat Damaged
by Shellie4
Summary: Sara is having a hard time dealing with the past. Catherine is there to help her. CS Slash pairing.
1. Default Chapter

Title: Somewhat Damaged  
  
Author: Shellie  
  
Paring: Catherine/Sara  
  
Rating: R due to past abuse and self-harm.  
  
Summary: Sara is having a hard time dealing with the past. Catherine is there to help her.  
  
Disclaimer: Unfortunately, none of the CSI characters belong to me.  
  
Sometimes I wish I were someone else. Someone prettier and happier, with more self-confidence. Someone who was more sure of themselves and of what they were doing in life. Someone that wasn't miserable all the time, and who was surrounded by people who actually cared whether they live or die. Someone normal.  
  
Truth is, when Grissom asked me to come to Las Vegas, I jumped at the chance. I was so desperate for a change; anything that could take me away from the life I was living. I wanted moving here to be a fresh beginning. So much for that. Nothing has changed, if anything it's worse. I thought that the further away I went, the more the memories would fade but they are still with me, strong as ever. Haunting me with everything I do. Sometimes I think they will never go away, that I will never get over the horrible things in my past. And sometimes I want so much just to tell Catherine. I know that may sound weird; she's been distant from me ever since I got here, but I can't help it. She's just so perfect. I mean, who could not be attracted to her? And I'm the total opposite. Even if by some miracle she did have feelings for me, she deserves much better then me and my messed up life. She's too good for that.  
  
I don't think that she hates me, maybe just doesn't think that we have anything in common; that's why she's avoiding me. But if she knew the truth about my past and what I do now, then she would hate me. Knowing that, how can I? How can I sit her down and tell her about what my father would do to me? About how the pain of the memories and my life becomes so bad that I have to use a blade to make it all better? How can anyone understand that? Sometimes even I don't understand.  
  
Walking into the break room, I see that I'm the last person there. Even Grissom, who's usually last managed to beat me there. I made my way over to the couch to sit next to Nick, who gave me a grin. I gave him a small smile back and then looked towards Grissom, who was looking straight at me.  
  
"Well, now that Sara's here we can start."  
  
I looked away as he said this, feeling guilty that they were all waiting for me.  
  
"Okay. Warrick, you have a break in downtown at the 4 Seasons. Cath, you and Sara have a db in the desert, not too far from the strip. Nick, your with me. We got a db at Lake Mead. Okay people, lets get going."  
  
Catherine stood up and took the piece of paper from Grissom and looked back at me.  
  
"Well, are you coming?"  
  
Standing up, I followed her to the car. Great. This was just what I needed. To be stuck with Catherine. Now I know I'll never get any work done.  
  
The trip to the crime scene was quiet, neither of us in the mood to talk. Every now and then I could feel her eyes on me. It was almost as if she wanted to say something, but didn't. When we arrived at the crime scene, Catherine was the first out of the car and she went on without me. Sighing, I followed her over towards the body, which stood out clearly against the bright texture of the sand.  
  
Catherine stood there staring at the body before asking "Hey Vega. What have we got?"  
  
"Male, approximately 40 years old. Single shot to the back of the head..."  
  
While Detective Vega finished giving the details to Cath, I walked over to the victim, who was lying on his stomach with his face buried in the sand. Taking several pictures, I turned around and saw Cath collecting evidence. I looked at her for a second before turning away. Why did I have to feel this way about her? It was becoming harder and harder to hide my feelings for her. Part of me was dying to tell her how I truly feel about her, but the other part of me was warning me that there was no way she could ever feel the same way I do.  
  
When I had taken all the photos necessary, Catherine approached me.  
  
"Okay, David's finished with his examination. If you're done, we can flip the body."  
  
Nodding, I took a step back as two officers turned the body over. The first thing I noticed was a tattoo on his chest. It was of a phoenix, rising from the ashes. My stomach turned. I'd seen that tattoo before. But it couldn't be...  
  
Working up the courage, I moved my gaze up to the victim's face.  
  
I froze. Even after all these years, I could still recognise his face. The face that haunted my nightmares.  
  
I felt a hand touch my shoulder and jumped at the contact. Turing around, I found myself face to face with Catherine.  
  
"Sara, are you okay? I've been calling your name for a few minutes. What's wrong?"  
  
I could see the concern in her eyes and almost laughed. Concern? Why would Catherine be concerned about me? She's spent most of the time since I've been here avoiding me.  
  
Looking back at the body, I said "Yeah. I'm fine."  
  
Catherine stepped around in front of me to block my view.  
  
"I don't believe you. You've been staring at the John Doe for the last couple of minutes. What's wrong?"  
  
I felt tears building up and knew I had to get out of there. But I also knew I had to tell them who he was.  
  
"Jacob Edwards," I whispered.  
  
Catherine frowned and for a second I wondered if she had even heard me.  
  
"Who?"  
  
I looked towards the Tahoe, wondering how long it would take me to get there.  
  
Taking a deep breath, I spoke a little louder.  
  
"His name. It's Jacob Edwards." 


	2. Chapter 2

I'm sorry that it's taken me this long to update and that it's short, but don't worry. I will be updating really soon. Hope you all enjoy :) Please send feedback.  
  
Catherine stared at the body, then back up at me. I could see the questions in her eyes and really didn't want to have to explain it to her.  
  
Picking up my kit and the evidence we had collected, I took a few steps towards the Tahoe.  
  
"Umm, I'm going to take the evidence back to the lab. Can you get a ride from one of the officers when you're done?"  
  
Catherine continued to stare at me for a few moments and I was unable to move. Then I saw her slowly nodding.  
  
"Okay. But you know your gonna have to talk to me when we get back to the lab, right?"  
  
Sighing, I nodded and made my way to the Tahoe.  
  
When I returned to the lab, I logged in all the evidence we had collected from the scene and headed towards the locker room. Once there, I sat down on the bench and put my head in my hands, thankful that there was nobody else around. There were so many emotions I was feeling. Pain, anger, sadness and even relief. Relief that he had got what he deserved for all the lives he had destroyed. I had no idea what I was going to tell Catherine. Whatever I told her, she was probably going to get Grissom to take me off the case. There is no way they would keep me on it. To be truthful, I wanted off this case. I really didn't care who killed him. Hell, I wanted to shake their hand.  
  
I heard footsteps quietly enter the locker room and stop in front of me. I looked up to find Catherine standing before be. She silently sat down beside me and waited for me to speak first.  
  
"I need to be taken off this case."  
  
I heard Catherine exhale loudly before asking  
  
"Would you like to tell me why?"  
  
"Because...I'm too close to this."  
  
Catherine's hand found its way to mine and she grasped it tightly. I looked up at her, surprised.  
  
Giving it a quick, reassuring squeeze, Catherine said  
  
"You know the victim, don't you?"  
  
I broke the eye contact I had with her and stared at the floor. This was it.  
  
"Yeah. I do. I will give you all the information you need, but I really need to be taken off the case."  
  
I heard Catherine sigh.  
  
"Okay. But why don't you tell me now what you know?"  
  
Taking a deep breath, I began talking before I chickened out.  
  
"His name is Jacob Edwards. If you check AFIS, his record will be there. He was just released from jail...last week, I think."  
  
"And what is his connection with you?"  
  
This was it. No backing out.  
  
"He...he was my father." 


	3. Chapter 3

Okay, here's chapter 3. Please let me know what you think. :)  
  
I heard Catherine gasp and tighten her hold on my hand. I could feel her eyes on me, as if she were expecting me to breakdown and cry or something. Truth was, I wasn't going to cry for him. I would cry for the past and all the damage he caused to so many lives, but I could never be sad that he was dead. How was I supposed to explain that to Catherine?  
  
"Sara, I'm so sorry. I had no idea. Do you want to talk about it?"  
  
I shook my head.  
  
"No, I'm fine. I was fourteen the last time I saw him. That was when he was arrested. He rang me, you know? Last week, just after he was released. Wanted to see me."  
  
I can't help the small laugh that comes out. Sounds even more ridiculous when I say it out loud. I see the confusion on Catherine's face. Well of course she's confused. Who would find a man wanting to see his daughter for the first time in over ten years funny? If only she knew what he was like, then she would understand.  
  
"So, um, anyway, go check out AFIS. You'll find out what you need to know from there."  
  
Catherine stared at me for a moment before speaking.  
  
"Are you sure you're okay?"  
  
Putting on the biggest smile I could, I nodded.  
  
"Yep, I'll be fine. Now go; work. I have to find Grissom and tell him that I need to be taken off the case."  
  
Catherine seemed almost reluctant to let go of my hand. After a moment she gave my hand a quick, supportive squeeze and released it. I watched her walk out, before looking down at my hand. It now felt strangely empty. Shaking my head, I stood up and made my way towards Grissom's office.  
  
Taking a deep breath, I knocked on Grissom's door. Part of me was hoping he wouldn't be in there. This was a first for me, asking to be taken off a case. I wondered what he would say.  
  
"Enter."  
  
No such luck. He's in there. Slowly opening the door, I poke my head in.  
  
"Hey. Umm, are you busy?"  
  
Grissom lifted his head up.  
  
"Not at the moment. What do you need?"  
  
"It's about the case you put me and Catherine on."  
  
Grissom frowned, trying to remember.  
  
"The db in the desert. What about it?"  
  
I pause for a second before answering.  
  
"I need to be taken off it."  
  
I can see the surprise on Grissom's face. I know what he's thinking. I have never asked to be taken off a case before and he knows this. No matter how bad, I have always stuck with my cases, seeing them through to the end. Well, this is different.  
  
"Can you tell me why?"  
  
I was expecting that.  
  
"I...I'm too close to this case. I knew the victim."  
  
I heard Grissom sigh.  
  
"Okay. Have you talked about this with Catherine?"  
  
"Yeah, I told her. I gave her the information she needed. She agrees with me being taken off the case."  
  
"Fine. But there aren't any more cases at the moment. If you want, you can have the rest of the night off."  
  
Maybe that wasn't such a bad idea. I needed some time to process all that had happened.  
  
"Okay, I think I'll take you up on that."  
  
Grissom nodded.  
  
"Well, I guess I'll see you tomorrow night. Bye," I said before walking out the door.  
  
I kept walking until I had made it around the corner and collapsed against the wall. This was all happening so fast. I had come into work, thinking that it would just be another night. I couldn't have been more wrong.  
  
I see Catherine coming towards me and I can tell by the look on her face that she just checked out his record and now knows why he was in jail. She stops in front of me and looks in to my eyes, probably trying to see if she can somehow find out the truth; as if the truth lies there. I didn't dare move. I began talking before she had a chance to say anything.  
  
"I just talked to Grissom. He gave me the rest of the night off."  
  
Catherine just stood there, her eyes not leaving mine. I don't think she really knew what to say.  
  
"But I would appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone that the victim was my father."  
  
She nodded.  
  
"I understand. But you need to talk to somebody about this. You know that, right?"  
  
I looked away.  
  
"I have to go. Let me know if you find out anything."  
  
Catherine stared at me for a moment before saying, "Okay. But if you need to talk, just know that I'm here. Anytime."  
  
She then walked away. I watched her go, my heart pounding. Did she really just say that? Why was she being so nice to me? I thought that she hated me. Maybe she didn't. Maybe she cared about me. What was I thinking? She just felt sorry for me. I could only imagine what she was thinking after reading his record.  
  
I made my way out to my car and headed home. I had so many questions. I just needed to be by myself for a while to think. 


End file.
